Axe wounds, The National, and quiet.

The National is great reflective music. The kind that allows for connection between mind and emotion... which I greatly need right now. The last month has been mostly mind, with little room to actually feel what God is giving me through this. I need to feel... I long to connect with my emotions so that I can process this chapter in my life. I know that it will be a process, but I need to begin unravelling the layers.

I now have quiet. I now have the space to reflect. Summer missions are over, the troops have left, and it’s back to life as usual at Bethanie. The last two days have been crazy, busy, slow, good, and bad all at the same time. We got back here night before last after a two day 25 hour drive from Croatia. The final day was painful to say the least. I wasn’t able to sleep, was in a grumpy mood, was bloated, and just generally was sick of being around people. The 15 hours in the mini-bus went slow and towards the end I was fighting an increasing spiritual battle. Debrief day started out really good... praying and internally unloading everything that happened. There was a great amount of peace in me and I was able to express some things and hash through things with God. After lunch I sat in a corner with my thoughts while Hannah played piano. In a sudden flash peace turned into chaos. I heard a scream and then a yell... Chrissie ran in shouting “Gerard, quick! Emergency!” I walked outside where people were running all different directions. Over by the fire pit I spotted Matt and Chez kneeling next to Jon and holding his leg in the air. “It went through his foot” Jonah said as I walked up to him. “So much blood.” It was then that I realized what had happened. The axe the Aaron had bought for Jon for his birthday was being used to chop firewood for that evening. In a swift and inexperienced swing, Jon had planted it squarely in the top of his foot. As Chez wrapped the gauze tightly around his ankle, the blood pumped through his sock with rhythm of his heartbeat.

Needless to say, that unfortunate mishap changed everything about debrief day. It caused me to have to sit down and chat with God about judgements I had made against Jon, and again I was staring my pride straight in the face. It’s still amazing to me how pride and self righteousness can be cloaked in such a beautiful disguise, and yet when uncovered, stink so bad. Now that the dust is settling, again I’m staring into the great abyss between chapters in life. So many question marks... and so many things to reflect upon. I don’t even know where to begin, but I do know that God knows... and now I get to trust his timing in revealing things to me about why the last three months happened. I know there’s a purpose behind this chapter... but He hasn’t allowed me to process much... just experience it. Almost like he’s turned that aspect of my being off, and enhanced another. Now I get to start the trickle down process. Let the next chapter begin.

Training

I’m actually going to write for my blog today. Actually it’s the first time I’ve written anything in about two weeks... oh well. I have been writing in my book, and I’m glad I at least have a start. Today is the first day of summer missions training, and it has been very hot. I can’t believe in five days I’m heading to Croatia... just the thought feels rather crazy at this point, but I know it will be good. The teaching this morning was on the sower and the seed, and how the little seeds God plants in our lives are sowed into the root system of our relationship with him. Carolyn Ros led it, and I must say that she is a very gifted teacher and brilliant at getting to the heart of people. She also spoke on the weeds and rocks that we constantly have to clear and dig up in order to keep our relationship with God growing, and it got me thinking about how I personally always see the big things, but it’s the little weeds in my life that I pay no attention to that end up becoming the big things. I’m realizing more and more that I’m in a cycle of hitting a big wall, falling on my face, renewing my relationship with God and letting him pick me back up, doing great for awhile, then coasting until I hit another big wall, and the cycle keeps repeating itself. I think this cycle was made real for me today from the realization that I’m in the habit of ignoring the small weeds in my life. I’ve never viewed them as much of an issue, until they turn into the big weeds and then all of the sudden I’m getting choked out and falling to the ground.

It’s an interesting realization, and I’m hoping and praying that God gives me more insight as to what he wants to deal with in me over this next week and during the time in Croatia.

Lord please help me to see what you want me to see. Open my eyes to the small weeds and help me to be able to give them to you. Help me have grace for others around me during this time, and please direct me in my constant struggle with lust and pride. I need your grace today. In your son’s precious name, amen.

Effort

I really don’t want to write right now. I’m forcing myself in all honesty. I have to try and get in the habit of this, as the thought of writing a book is still too intimidating. Hopefully blogging can just miraculously turn into a book someday... although in order for my random clusters of words to actually make sense to someone, they will need some HEAVY editing. So maybe I should just start from scratch. I don’t know. I still don’t know what to write or where to start really... Do I begin with Natalie? Do I begin with my Journey? Do I begin with France? Maybe my ‘finding God’ moment... See, this is exactly why I haven’t started. I don’t get anywhere. All I get is a bunch of fucking questions and random thoughts that lead nowhere. Alright Joseph... breathe. So it’s definitely a bit of a spiritual battle when I write as well. There’s no way that every time I sit down it’s just a coincidence that I can’t think straight and feel totally defeated before I start. This is one of the areas where renewing my mind with the word and resisting the lies that satan is trying to interject will come in very helpful.

I know I’m supposed to write. God has spoke this to me through many people. My story needs to be told. For who exactly? I don’t really know. Maybe my children someday so that they can truly know their father... maybe just for random people that i become friends with so that I don’t have to spend endless hours telling them my story. Cause that’s the thing... it’s like a domino effect. If people want any depth with me, one question will enevitably lead to 50 more questions and four hours later. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I don’t like telling my story, but it honestly wears me out unless it’s broken down into digestible bite sized amounts. That’s it! Maybe I should just start with perfecting one digestible bite sized amount at a time... then tie them all together in a wild and colorful soiree of MADNESS. I’m brilliant. Then write I shall... after a word from our sponsors... which happen to be Coca-cola and Marlboro.

Rhythm

It’s a big part of what makes the world go round really. The various rhythms in which we live our lives give us the unheard beat that is needed in order to sustain. A daily, weekly and monthly pattern that is meant to help keep us in balance. Some rhythms are more balanced than others, and some more sparratic. Some are healthy, and some unhealthy, but the essentials are always present. Eating and drinking, human contact, work, rest, and entertainment are at the core of most peoples schedules. They are all things that we are so used to as a part of our rhythm that we tend to not think about them much. The problem with these basics, as healthy as they are, is that they are empty without one crucial element. Soul food. A connect to our maker, a seeking, a serving, a striving to feed our souls and relationship with the creator. God intended life to have a rhythm I think... ours just tends to be a little backwards compared to the one he desires for us. I just happen to notice for myself, how easily my rhythm wears me out... the essentials are there, but there never seems to be balance. Any one thing in excess or extreme lack tends to throw everything into the unpleasant catagory. For example, when I’m working too much, it affects my rest, cheapens my human contact, makes me over eat or under eat and leads me to be absorbed in entertainment to an unhealthy extent. Or when I’m not getting enough healthy human contact, I tend to feel down and depressed, which in turn affects my work performance and causes me to turn to food as a companion. I’ve come to realize that my rhythm is seldom a healthy one... and being here at Bethanie has shed a great light on that.

Bits of God are thrown into my schedule here and there, and I have moments of peace... moments where things feel balanced, but basing my rhythm in worship, prayer, and the word have honestly never been that appealing to me. Like doing a homework assignment before play time, my mentality has always been ‘let’s get this out of the way so that I can get onto the fun things’. I still struggle with this... but I’m at a place where I have the rhythm to work on it. Every day here the first 30-45 minutes are spent in prayer, there’s regular worship times, and biblical/self study times as well. But more than anything, the things done here are done from a heart of thanksgiving and worship. From the working to the writing, to the food preparation, to the eating... it’s all done from a different core. Acknowledging God in the simple things. Having him as the baseline for the rhythm. I like this. Now that I’m in this routine and will be for the next few months, I hope and pray that this carries with me when I return home. There’s simply more peace and deeper rest... which affects every other element in a positive way.

Trying

So I’m still trying to break through in a variety of ways. Primarily internal... the feeling of a bunch of sludge dammed up within is leaving me yearning for internal spiritual release. Something I read in Love Wins that keeps coming to mind, is the quote “Winter is the essential prequel to the Growth that spring brings”. I don’t have the book in front of me, so I’m sure the quote is a bit off, but it’s basically grounded in the fact that death is crucial to the process of growth. One must die in order to live. Death of the old in order that new things can spring forth. It’s very biblical... and I’ve acknowledged this truth for quite some time, but I’m not sure I’ve let it affect me the way that I’m supposed to. I’ve died many deaths thus far in my life... although most of them have been somewhat under my own control. I know that Christ is calling for death in me through this chapter in life, but it happens to be the most fearful and unnerving kind. The very core of how I’ve directed my life, my thought process, my sexuality, and the many other small things that those things govern is being called on the carpet. Not that it’s supposed to be an instant ‘bam!’ those things are dead and I can go on living from a different core... but more of an awareness of the need to remain in a constant process of dying. The process is in fact the dying needed itself. It’s a constant conscious release of control and submitting things to God’s will. Another big part of this is beginning the baby steps towards speaking life into myself and to actually own the fact that I’m addicted to speaking death into my own life. It’s such a hard thing to see, because I get some sick and twisted joy in breaking myself down. It’s what I’ve operated in for so long it feels like the only way to do life. The problem is, I’m starting to see that it’s what distances me from people and friendships that God has for me. It’s soaked in pride and comes in a cloak of self preservation. It speaks of independence and self sufficiency to the point of alienation. It owns the lies of worthlessness and weakness... and gives no value outside of performance. And it takes me getting to the point of feeling completely internally alone to realize the truth of the sickness.

SEE! This is the reason I write... If I had not sat down and started ‘word vomiting’, I would have either not come to these conclusions, or I would have disregarded them and blamed them on my ‘over-analytical’ brain. This brings up another ‘trying’ thing for me. I literally had to force myself to sit and write today. For some reason every mental, physical and emotional block continually comes up to prevent me from writing. I need to journal. I have a book that is crucial for me to produce, and yet it feels like mount Everest is standing before me and I need to get to the other side. I feel defeated before I even open my computer. There must be a good purpose behind me writing... cause I’m dealing with a lot of internal opposition.

Gerard, Chrissie and Jake left for Germany today. There is a boarding school that Jake is interested in that they are going to shadow for a couple of days. The girls went into Lisieux to run some errands, so with just Matt, Pixie and myself it’s even quieter than usual. Could be one of the reasons these words are being put into existence. I have been painting, which makes me very happy actually. There is quite a bit of dark brown trim that I’m painting white, and seeing the transformation makes me smile. Monday I will probably start working on the cottage in order to prepare it for Aaron and Holly’s arrival. The cottage is basically what used to be an old storage shed that sits between the main house and the Lacey. It needs to be painted on the inside, the door and attic need to be insulated, and a door closing off the attic needs to be constructed. I am kind of being looked to as the ‘handy-man’... which I don’t mind. I’m glad that I have experience in certain areas where I can be of help. The week after next is Aaron and Holly’s wedding, which I get to go up to England for, and to my delight get to stay a few days with Jon and Steph. I’m very excited about this. Although, I also found out that Bless is being gifted a car while we are up there, so they are actually going to need me to drive the other car from Stourbridge back to Bethanie by myself. Making the hour drive from Caen back to Bethanie won’t be that hard... I did that the other day, it’s just the thought of navigating on the wrong side of the road in England that scares me. Should be interesting.

Quiet morning

So it’s Saturday morning. Quiet, calm and good space to reflect. One of the truly marvelous things about this place. I’m at the point where I’m trying to figure out where I’m at internally... which is a process. I need to let the distractions and voices in my head calm so that I can focus on what God might be trying to speak during this time, which sometimes feels like a battle. Why am I here? What does God want to accomplish in me over the next few months? Of course my brain wants answers to these questions well before the time it will take to actually get there. The place I’m at is good... the dust within is beginning to settle and my soul is quieting. So I guess that’s all I can ask for at this point. A blank page emerging in order for God to write into me.

Last night was great. We had a barbecue outside with great food and conversation, and then discovered that there is a well on the property beneath a blackberry bramble. We all got involved in uncovering it, to discover that it is quite functional with a great deal of decent water at the bottom. So the plan is to get a pump attached so that garden and yard irrigation can come from that in order to cut back on the water bill. A rather cool moment if I do say so.
I chatted with Natalie for awhile last night, and I must say that I do miss her. It’s amazing to me how valuable it is to have someone near that knows me and my story as well as she does. People at Bless will begin to know me and my story, but that does take a decent amount of time, so right now I feel a little alone in certain ways. I really like it when people know and understand me. So that’s probably what I need to focus on in the next week or so. Well, my battery is yet again in the red, so I will finish here, but will try to write more soon.

Day one

Ahh. I just got done pulling some weeds. And I get to mow later :D This may sound trivial, painful even... but in my world nothing is better than doing yard work for the first time of the year. There is a lot of mowing really... 5 hours worth, or so I’ve been told by Gerard. It’s about an acre of grass and is completed by a small push mower, so that sounds about right.
I am quite rested. Got 12 hours of uninterrupted sleep in a very dark room. I have my own room actually... about as big as a large walk in closet, but it’s perfect and I’m very glad to have my own space, as there is always people coming and going here at Bethanie. All of the rooms on the top floor of the house have vaulted ceilings and skylight type windows that open and have blackout shades. Someday I would like to have windows like these. They are amazing.

The weather is quite nice here. 75 and sunny today and I am in shorts and a t-shirt :) It’s evidently been a very warm spring here so far... almost summer like. But with the lack of any decent spring weather back home, I’m not complaining in the slightest. Well, lunch is on and I have to get some food to the chickens.