Axe wounds, The National, and quiet.

The National is great reflective music. The kind that allows for connection between mind and emotion... which I greatly need right now. The last month has been mostly mind, with little room to actually feel what God is giving me through this. I need to feel... I long to connect with my emotions so that I can process this chapter in my life. I know that it will be a process, but I need to begin unravelling the layers.

I now have quiet. I now have the space to reflect. Summer missions are over, the troops have left, and it’s back to life as usual at Bethanie. The last two days have been crazy, busy, slow, good, and bad all at the same time. We got back here night before last after a two day 25 hour drive from Croatia. The final day was painful to say the least. I wasn’t able to sleep, was in a grumpy mood, was bloated, and just generally was sick of being around people. The 15 hours in the mini-bus went slow and towards the end I was fighting an increasing spiritual battle. Debrief day started out really good... praying and internally unloading everything that happened. There was a great amount of peace in me and I was able to express some things and hash through things with God. After lunch I sat in a corner with my thoughts while Hannah played piano. In a sudden flash peace turned into chaos. I heard a scream and then a yell... Chrissie ran in shouting “Gerard, quick! Emergency!” I walked outside where people were running all different directions. Over by the fire pit I spotted Matt and Chez kneeling next to Jon and holding his leg in the air. “It went through his foot” Jonah said as I walked up to him. “So much blood.” It was then that I realized what had happened. The axe the Aaron had bought for Jon for his birthday was being used to chop firewood for that evening. In a swift and inexperienced swing, Jon had planted it squarely in the top of his foot. As Chez wrapped the gauze tightly around his ankle, the blood pumped through his sock with rhythm of his heartbeat.

Needless to say, that unfortunate mishap changed everything about debrief day. It caused me to have to sit down and chat with God about judgements I had made against Jon, and again I was staring my pride straight in the face. It’s still amazing to me how pride and self righteousness can be cloaked in such a beautiful disguise, and yet when uncovered, stink so bad. Now that the dust is settling, again I’m staring into the great abyss between chapters in life. So many question marks... and so many things to reflect upon. I don’t even know where to begin, but I do know that God knows... and now I get to trust his timing in revealing things to me about why the last three months happened. I know there’s a purpose behind this chapter... but He hasn’t allowed me to process much... just experience it. Almost like he’s turned that aspect of my being off, and enhanced another. Now I get to start the trickle down process. Let the next chapter begin.

Training

I’m actually going to write for my blog today. Actually it’s the first time I’ve written anything in about two weeks... oh well. I have been writing in my book, and I’m glad I at least have a start. Today is the first day of summer missions training, and it has been very hot. I can’t believe in five days I’m heading to Croatia... just the thought feels rather crazy at this point, but I know it will be good. The teaching this morning was on the sower and the seed, and how the little seeds God plants in our lives are sowed into the root system of our relationship with him. Carolyn Ros led it, and I must say that she is a very gifted teacher and brilliant at getting to the heart of people. She also spoke on the weeds and rocks that we constantly have to clear and dig up in order to keep our relationship with God growing, and it got me thinking about how I personally always see the big things, but it’s the little weeds in my life that I pay no attention to that end up becoming the big things. I’m realizing more and more that I’m in a cycle of hitting a big wall, falling on my face, renewing my relationship with God and letting him pick me back up, doing great for awhile, then coasting until I hit another big wall, and the cycle keeps repeating itself. I think this cycle was made real for me today from the realization that I’m in the habit of ignoring the small weeds in my life. I’ve never viewed them as much of an issue, until they turn into the big weeds and then all of the sudden I’m getting choked out and falling to the ground.

It’s an interesting realization, and I’m hoping and praying that God gives me more insight as to what he wants to deal with in me over this next week and during the time in Croatia.

Lord please help me to see what you want me to see. Open my eyes to the small weeds and help me to be able to give them to you. Help me have grace for others around me during this time, and please direct me in my constant struggle with lust and pride. I need your grace today. In your son’s precious name, amen.