Oscars

Today was the Oscars, or the super bowl for gays as we like to call it. Going along with a standing tradition it was spent with Michael, John and Shawn filling out our score sheets, sharing gossip and eating large quantities of carbs and high fructose corn syrup. An evening well spent. :)

In 22 days I leave my job, and in 32 days I get behind the wheel of Franke and sail into a big question mark. I have my backpack for Europe, my tools, a road atlas and a spirit for adventure. God help me, cause I’ll need it. I was having some flashbacks of childhood trauma today, and of course it caused me to dig into the deeper meanings of things. I remembered being on a boat with friends of my parents when the propeller hit rocks and stopped working. I couldn’t have been more than 7, and I was petrified with fear. Going camping one year our car broke down, and again, one of the most intense moments of fear that I can remember. Several other times, all having to with breaking down or being stranded really stood out to me as being one of greatest root causes of fear in me. I think this is largely why comfort and security have been my driving factor for as long as I can remember.

In light of my driving 6000+ miles by myself in a car that’s definitely not known for reliability, these flashbacks make sense. I am facing a huge fear in me. A fear that stems from being helpless and stranded with no security blanket. I have to learn to trust God more than my circumstances. I have to trust that he will get me where I need to go, and if there happens to be breakdowns (with the van or me) I have to trust that he has a plan and will walk with me through the steps I need to take. Around every corner in this journey I am stepping into the unknown, and safe, (one of my favorite feelings) is going to be gone most of the time. The ‘safe’ I’m referring to is of course ‘my safe.’ What I mean by ‘my safe’ is the bubble I strive to create through my surroundings, habits, rituals, relationships etc. I think God wants his safe to be my safe... but his safe scares me. My safe is predictable and comfortable, his is not. I think this might have a part in why this journey has become a reality. Time will tell I guess.