Birmingham

Steph and I rode the train to Birmingham today! It pretty much rocked. It’s a really nice town actually... and the shopping center there is awesome! We had Starbucks, and I was given a total dumbfounded look by the girl when I ordered my americano :) I could tell they had never had an order that specific... it was a very proud moment for me.
In the mall there was a place called South-something... anyway, and they have a shopping section that is specifically specialty foods that can only be bought in the States. I coudn’t believe how much some of it costs. A box of Lucky Charms was 7 quid 49 pence which is over ten bucks! Shocking. It’s not just american stuff though, EVERYTHING here costs more. Fuel, taxes, groceries, and the list goes on.
I’ve been like a kid in a candy store looking at all the different cars :) So many different makes and models it’s making my head spin! Not only that, but at least half the cars are diesels... which makes sense with the high fuel costs, but I never knew that Honda made a diesel! I walked past a Chrysler minivan today and smiled to see a vehicle that I recognized... and it was a diesel! Really? A diesel Chrysler? There has never been such a thing in the States. I know American cars like the back of my hand, and it’s really weird being so out of my ‘automobile element’.
Anywhoo, I’m tired and need to get to sleep, but I just wanted to jot a few notes on my day. Oh yea, Steph made thai green curry for dinner, and it was AMAZING. Then we sat around and had some great conversation :) Good day.

First day

Today has been good. I’ve spent it with Steph at the church office doing online stuff while she works. The weather here is very unusual for England... sunny and 80 degrees. I think I brought it with me :)
I’ve been doing research for my travels once the mission trip in France is over, and I’m starting to realize that it’s not all that cheap getting from place to place. Surprisingly, my best bet is to fly instead of taking the train. Train travel is the most popular with tourists in order to see the countryside, so it’s averaging about 25% more in cost vs. air travel. My plan at this point is to take the train from Bethanie to Paris, where Steph and Jon might meet up with me for a couple of days, then I will fly from there to Naples, Italy. I will probably couch surf while in Naples, and I have already contacted an American that lives there to set that up... now let’s hope that he agrees to let me crash there for 4 days!
I will be taking the bus from Naples to Florence, which costs $35 vs. $105 for the train. I’m probably going to bus from there into Rome and then fly to Prague... at least that’s the thought for now.

Anyway, I just wanted to jot a few things down before heading to the park to play football with some guys from the church. Haha! Me? Football? LOL! It sounds funny just saying it being the anti-sport type that I am. I just like the thought of being in a park. I’ll probably just sit and watch :)

Dublin

I am in Dublin Ireland. It looked really cool from the sky... to bad I don’t get to see more of it. The fields were like a big green patchwork quilt stretching out as far as the eye could see, but alas, I am stuck in the airport for the next four hours awaiting my flight to Birmingham. This airport is a little different than what I’m used to. It felt like I was making my way through an outdated high school through narrow hallways and makeshift pass-throughs until I went through security, then it magically turned into a huge shopping mall with designer stores everywhere. I am currently sitting in a rooftop patio bar having a Bulmers cider and a Marlboro and wondering how slow the next few hours is going to go.

The flight was good. We landed 35 minutes early actually. Total flight time was about six and a half hours, and there was plenty of entertainment, with individual TV’s and a slew of movie, gaming and music options. I wish that I had been able to sleep, but seeing as how there was only about an hour of darkness, it was rather hard. We took off at 6:15 PM Chicago time, and landed at 7:15 AM, and somehow flew right along the edge where the sunset and sunrise collide, so needless to say, I’m all messed up. My body is saying what the hell are you doing still up? It’s 3:30 AM! Ugh. I can already tell this is going to be a long day.

Airports are of great intrigue to me... all of these people’s lives and paths colliding in a whirlwind of craziness, but everyone shares a common thread... we’re all going somewhere important. Whether it’s going to see loved ones, leaving loved ones, starting a new adventure or leaving one. There is an unexplainable anticipation that lingers in all airports, kind of an unseen thickness of mixed emotions caught up in the common flow of lives seeking love, purpose, and adventure. So many differences, and yet so many similarities. I love it.

Omg... I leave tomorrow! I have my rental car, I'm mostly packed and I'm a ball of nervous energy. Once I get on the plane, my phone is getting shut off and will not be on again until august 19th... Sad day, but probably a good thing. I am venturing even more out of my control... Here I at least have my own transportation, lots of communication methods, and everyone speaks my language. I am going totally into the unknown with no comfort blanket. This is totally new to me and I'm quite frankly scared sh**less. I'm sure there is a lot more growth in store though, which is always good :). Bring it on.

I'm ready to hop the pond... The time here has been great, but I'm starting to get a little restless. I found out today that it is going to be too expensive to use my iPhone overseas, so after Saturday, the blogging will become much less frequent :(. I'm not complaining though, I could use a break from dependance on this thing. I'm not even sure if I'll bring my laptop while I travel over there... It's extra weight and one more reason for someone to rob me. I'm going to be doing it old school with a pen and paper :) Eeesh... Less than 3 days and I'll be in the air! Can't wait.

I'm ready to hop the pond... The time here has been great, but I'm starting to get a little restless. I found out today that it is going to be too expensive to use my iPhone overseas, so after Saturday, the blogging will become much less frequent :(. I'm not complaining though, I could use a break from dependance on this thing. I'm not even sure if I'll bring my laptop while I travel over there... It's extra weight and one more reason for someone to rob me. I'm going to be doing it old school with a pen and paper :) Eeesh... Less than 3 days and I'll be in the air! Can't wait.

Grrr... I should have known to shop by myself. An argument over who's paying is unavoidable! I wonder where I get my stubborness from...

GD Haven

This needs to be short, but I figured that I should write something really quick while I’m alone to my thoughts. I’m such a slacker. I should really be reading more, but instead find myself playing with my phone or watching TV. Grandma watches a lot of TV... definitely more than what I’m used to. Oh well, I’m here to be with her, and if that means sitting doing what she prefers, that’s what I’m going to do.
I love her so much. With that said, she is an extremely difficult woman. It amazes me how controlling she is... but it all comes in a sweet and quietly manipulative way. If you dare say no to her, you get the quiet guilt trip. She also never states what she wants, which is extremely trying for me. It’s always “whatever you want sweetheart”. But grandma, what do YOU want? “I don’t want anything”, she says, “I want what you want”. This goes round and round until I feel like my head is going to explode, then we both sit in silence smoking our cigarettes and just letting the time pass. When I AM decisive, she seems silently unhappy before suggesting that I might want to do this or that. I take her suggestions as her actually wanting to do what she suggested, so I ask her if that’s what SHE wants, only to get a shrug of the shoulders and the reply “whatever you want sweetheart”. Oh well... it is what it is I guess. All I can do is love her for the woman that she is, and she is a very loving and generous person.

Last night was the best thunderstorm I have EVER seen. Lightning was non-stop, the thunder shook the house, and it rained 3 1/4 inches in less than a hour. We never get these types of storms back home, and I love them. I just sat on the front porch with a smile on my face while the booming and flashing and sound of rain soaked into my bones.
I need to get going to run some errands... I only have four days before departing to Europe, and I have to make sure everything is in line for my trip :)

Food and more food. Grand haven is a nice little town actually... Not that I would choose to live here, but I can totally see why my grandma has.

Watching a cheesy romantic comedy on the hallmark channel has me desperately wanting romance in my life... But then I consider all of the work that goes into a relationship mixed with my fear of commitment, and I suddenly find myself counting the positives of singledom. Then I look at my grandmother, whom I know would be so much happier having someone to simply spend time with. (although she would never admit this). It seems that the more we age, the greater the need to simply have the companionship of someone that knows us well and knows our baggage and yet still chooses to be there. I want this in my life, but it scares me greatly. I wonder if I have what it takes to really love someone else. Sure I have a lot of love in my life, but it's a lot of love with little commitment. I have this issue with seperating myself and pushing people away. I've been on a couple of dates since I've been on the road, and I ask myself, is this one the one? Is this the answer? Is there possibility here? Then I realize that I am the possibility. I can make what I want to out of what road I choose. I want god to open a door and push me through it, but I don't think that's going to happen. It's up to me to choose the road I'm going to take and what I'm going to make of it. Problem is, this takes decisiveness... An area of weakness in me. Ok... Enough self analyzation for today.

I just got back from dropping mom and dad off at the airport in Grand Rapids... Sad face. It was so good to be able to see them for as long as I did, but it did make me miss certain elements of home. Who am I going to have deep psycho-analyzation conversations with? Hopefully I'll meet someone I can hash through inner depths with :). I get so tired of surface only conversations...
I got back to grandmas to find that she had gone to run errands and locked me out of the house, so I took that as a profound excuse to grab a cup of happiness at starbucks :). The jewler just called and my ring is done being cleaned and resized, so I'm off to pick it up.

I did write a long blog today, but I haven't had the chance to get to wi-fi to upload it... Currently I am about to watch The Invention of Lying with mom, dad and grandma :)

A Drive with guests.

So here I sit in my grandmothers kitchen. It’s a very quaint house, built in 1923 and with lots of charm. The woodwork is dark and the walls are stark white, all of them adorned with family photos or trinkets with memories attached. Most of the furniture and paintings my dad remembers from his childhood, and grandma has done a great job keeping everything looking and operating like new despite it’s dated appearance. Mom left a while ago, stating the need for a walk and alone time, and dad, in a futile effort, tried to change a light bulb in the steep stairwell to the basement. There is absolutely no way to get a ladder positioned on the stairs, and the ceiling goes all the way up, so him and grandma are off in search of one of those extenda-thingys that’s supposed to help with bulb replacement.
This means that I have some time to write, so here I am.

Yesterday was jacked. I would have said fu**ed, but there are all varieties of people reading this, so I have to have some filters. It started with meeting my dads uncle John and aunt Jean for breakfast in Madison. Breakfast was my favorite... lot’s of tasty food for very little money. We were passing old pictures around when I noticed that Jean’s gaze had shifted from pictures, to staring blankly at the tablecloth. There was a total loss of connect in her eyes, and no response when I asked her if she was okay. Then her head dropped and her arm began twitching, and that’s when I knew that she was definitely not okay. Thank God there was a nurse in the restaurant, and she laid her down and kept her pulse until the paramedics arrived. To my shock, my dads uncle John seemed to be more bothered that our time together was being interrupted than the fact that his wife had just collapsed... he even kept trying to explain pictures to dad, while his wife, the person that he is supposed to love the most in this world, lie there helpless. I wanted to slap him! This incident brought great insight into a curse that runs in the Sheild side of the family... being more concerned with not making a scene and not wanting to disrupt a moment, that you would even downplay the possibility that your spouse might be dying. This is an extreme example, but it shed so much light for me on how deep the background is for striving to be socially acceptable above all else.

So we finally got on the road stopping at a few small towns before Illinois. One thing I’ve realized about traveling with 3 other people is that bathroom breaks become a much more frequent occurance. Having to worry about 3 other people aside from myself also heightened my stress level... Don’t get me wrong, I love my parents and my grandma, but the driving dynamic is way different. Is my window down to far? Can I have music going? Is the music too loud? I never had to think of these things driving by myself. So sets the scene driving into the where I was born... the northern suburbs of Chicago. My anxiety and stress level had been teetering on the edge for about an hour or so, and per my request, dad had devised a route that would avoid the interstate. I wish I had chosen the interstate. Once we got into Illinois, there were stoplights on the highway... everywhere. No joke, by the time I finally got Frankes over loaded ass to 55 mph, I was slamming on the brakes coming to a stop. And trust me, it takes a LOT to get her up to speed, and a LOT to get her to stop. But more than this, being her pilot, my sanity level was hanging on by a thread. So we stopped to see the house mom and dad lived at when I was born... which happened to no longer be there. Very emotional for mom... and understandably so. After that and stopping to see the hospital where I was born and where mom worked at, we were perfectly lined up for Chicago’s rush hour traffic. FML. I also for the most part was not smoking while driving because of wanting to respect my passengers... bad idea for me during rush hour. Stop and go, stop and go, stop and go, stop and go, BAM! A purple PT Cruiser suddenly collided with my bumper after being hit by the person behind her. I immediately expected the worst, but Franke was still running, so I pulled off to the shoulder while the other two morons decided to put their flashers on and block traffic. Not that I’m judging. After getting out and examining the damage, I realized that Franke’s bumpers were pretty tough, because there was hardly any. After looking back at the other cars, dad and I decided that it would probably eat up at least an hour if we did the whole insurance thing, so we hopped back in the van and took off.
Another solid hour of stop and go, and at this point I’m so tense that I’m nearing an emotional breakdown, and suddenly a popping sound came from the engine and then a total loss of power. We were right in the middle of two freeways merging in rush hour, there was no shoulder, and no exit in sight. My heart was pounding so hard I thought it was going to explode. I downshifted to third and got a short burst of power before it sputtered and died again... then into second where I got another burst of power. She would surge then backfire then die, and kept doing this barely limping along at 20 mph. Finally a miracle: 31st street exit 1/4 mile. As we got to the off ramp Franke let out one last backfire and died. Miraculously, we navigated the off ramp, around a bus, and coasted into a spot on the side of the street. Getting out of the car I swear I almost collapsed... my adrenaline was rushing so hard I could barely hold my cigarette.
We prayed for a miracle, and then went off in search of a bathroom. After a block of walking, we quickly realized that we landed near chinatown and every place was displaying a ‘no public washroom’ sign. A very kind chinese lady reluctantly and despite her sign, let us empty our bladders. After about 45 minutes, we decided to see if Franke would start and make it to a gas station down the street. Sure enough, she fired right up and made it without a problem, so after filling up with gas, we ventured back out on the freeway, where we experienced no more issues whatsoever. She made it the last 150 miles to Grand Haven like a trooper, and I still have no idea exactly what was happening with the engine back in Chicago, but I believe that God worked a miracle to get us safely where we needed to go. It was a crazy day, and this is now a crazy long blog entry, but I needed to put this day into words.

I'm so beat that I don't have many words, but we made it. It was a miracle day to say the least, and very eventful. I am a wreck, but now I have 8 days to unwind and get my shit sorted through... Internally and externally. I NEED TO JOG... And push ups, and crunches and sit ups, oh my! It's going to take a week just to burn off the burger I ate for dinner... Ugh. Aunt Tina's cooking hasn't even started yet either... Maybe I'll just not eat much in Europe... I'll save money that way too. I'm finally at the point where I'm starting to crave routine. I don't know where I was going with that, but routine sounds nice... And sleep. I'm stress rambling right now.

Broke down in chicagos china town... This should be interesting. At least I have company! Hopefully just overheated? We shall soon see.

Hmmm... So far Illinois isn't that impressive. Wisconsin was much prettier and better kept .

Interesting start to the morning... Stopped to have breakfast with my dads uncle and aunt, and his aunt ended up having mini strokes and being hauled out of the restaraunt on a stretcher. Weird start to the day.

Do my eyes decieve me? Totally clear and sunny? I forgot what that looks like until now! The last 10 days in Minnesota have been cloudy and gross. Yay, it will be a good day for driving. Time to drag myself out of my cocoon of comfort and get ready for the day.

Omg... Tired. I got less than 6 hours of sleep last night. Traveling with mom, dad and grandma equals hotel though :). Hot tub and comfy bed here I come!

I have never seen such a huge tourist trap in my life! Wow... The Wisconsin dells are quite the experience.

Welcome to Wisconsin!

On the road again!

Ugh... I'm tired and sore. A hot tub would be really nice right about now. It's great being around family, but today I've been frusterated at everything. Theres way too much passive indecisiveness going on for my liking, and I'm feeling about 10 years older than my age. Oh well, I'm still glad to be here and blessed to be alive. Could use some prayers for inner peace though...

Dear blog, I'm sorry for the neglect. I love adding new things to you, but I've been entirely too busy since the fam got into town. I can't promise much, but I will try to send you more one liners as the fun times roll on :). Love, me.

I LOVE my family! I have missed them so much, and after 2 months and 4700 miles, they're here! Yay for family. I am blessed beyond any amount of money. I could cry with joy right now. Love makes the world go 'round :)

Last night was fun :). Grandma and Luke flew in, and we all had dinner at Rachel and Davids. To everyones shock the stovetop espresso pot exploded with a loud bang sending coffee all over the kitchen. No one was hurt, but the cleanup was extensive. Nothing like a coffee explosion to kick off the reunion! In a matter of hours I get to pick up mom, dad and my sisters :). YAY.

Grand Old Day

So far today has been the ultimate of lazy... sleeping in until 10, taking forever in the shower, and then throwing an internal fit due to the constant struggle of poor self image. I often wonder if it will ever go away... when I look in the mirror why is it that I only see flaws and things about my appearance that I hate? If only I had 10 grand and a good plastic surgeon... but even then would I look at myself different? Or would I continue to pick my appearance apart? Probably the latter. I know it’s an internal thing, and one that my sisters and I have constantly struggled with for the majority of our lives... but where is it coming from? What is the root cause? I’m in a total psycho-analyzation state right now and want answers dammit! I want better self esteem and self confidence, but I always run into these nasty internal road blocks. Gross.

In other news, yesterday was a blast. I was not expecting to have as much fun as I actually had. I woke up feeling very sub-par due to the mixture of drinks the night before, and was anticipating dragging all day long. I went to Woodland Hills Church with Dan, Dani and CJ, and despite fighting the urge to fall asleep, heard a great sermon on the prodigal from Greg Boyd. I then headed to Grand Old Day festival, where I expected to see a small community street fair that I would be bored with in a matter of an hour. I got there before my cousin, and parked near the west end of the fair, but had no clue that it was an ‘end’. Due to the crest of a hill, I thought that the ‘west end’ was the entire festival, and it was just what I had expected... not that big, a high school jazz band playing, some art booths, some food, and a few thousand people. I met up with Victoria and her boyfriend Dan, and we started walking around. We all thought that we had seen most of what there was to see, until we reached the other side of the crest... where to my amazement, the street fair kept on going... and going, and going, and going. In fact, none of us could see an end, and we could see for probably a mile down the road! I was blown away to say the least. Come to find out, the street fair covered about a mile and a half of road, there was about a dozen live concerts, beer gardens everywhere, every type of food imaginable, and close to a quarter of a million people. It was crazy, but so much fun.
After that, we went to a local neighborhood pub called the Blue Door, which supposedly bragged the best burger in the twin cities. Due to no more than 600 square feet of seating space, we put our names on a list, and waited patiently for almost a hour before being seated. At this point I was thinking that the burger had better be made out of gold to make the wait worth it. It was... hands down the best burger I have ever had. Writing about it is making my crave one right now actually... Speaking of food, I think I need to go make something to eat.

This is fun! At Nyes polonaise lounge which is a dueling piano bar in downtown. Voted the best bar in the USA by esquire magazine. Yay.

Night with Dan

I got to hang out with Dan and Dani last night, which was a lot of fun. Again, talked about a lot of under the surface things about our family and life in general... I’m sensing a pattern with this leg of my journey. It’s funny how grandpa’s declining health and other issues collide with this reunion, but it’s a good thing because communication is needed as well as just time together. It’s a good thing to be here, and I’m loving being able to know my uncles and cousins better. I’m thinking that I might have to stop and spend some more time here once I get back from Europe.
Tonight will be fun... my cousins have rallied up some of their friends and we’re going to head downtown for drinks and some dancing. Rachel and I had a lot of fun shopping this afternoon. We hit up some vintage and used clothing stores and had fun trying stuff on. Rachel ended up getting like 8 shirts for 20 bucks... I didn’t have as good of luck, but found a nice long sleeve t-shirt. Tomorrow I get to visit the church Dan goes to, which happens to be a church that is pastored by an author that my sister and her husband love, so I’m excited for that. Then we’re all meeting up for ‘Grand ole Days’ in St. Paul, which is some sort of street fair type thing. Fun times!

Night with Dave

I don’t know why I’m tired, but by all means I shouldn’t be. I slept 9 hours last night... I’m getting ready to head over to my cousins mom’s house for a BBQ, then on to dinner with my uncle Dan and his wife Danielle. At this point I figure a little weight gain is inevitable... oh well, one thing this side of the family does very well is food and drink :)
Last night was spent with my uncle Dave, and was loaded with tidbits and backstory on my grandparents and my dad and his brothers growing up. I’ve spent enough time in my life getting in tune with all the blessings and curses from my mom’s side of the family, and now I get to tune into dad’s side. Dave wrote a story about a typical morning in their house growing up, and it was very powerful to read a painted picture of the hidden dysfunction within their 1960’s suburban family. I could rabbit trail for hours on this subject, but I need to get going, so at least it’s all in my head for now.

I'm sitting holding my grandpas hand watching him sleep. It's really hard seeing him this physically and mentally weak. :(

Minnesota

I made it to Minneapolis! I’m just about to fall asleep, but I thought I needed to write at least a little. The drive today was easy, and I got into town around 1. I am currently staying with my cousin Rachel, her husband Dave, and their daughter Adelede... and of course I can’t forget their ankle biting dog Sampson. Same name as my baby back home... I miss my dog :( Their Sampson is a tiny little alpha dog that doesn’t like most men, and seriously acts like he’s going to take a chunk of flesh out of whatever appendage you hold most dear. I think he’s taken to me, as I was finally able to pet him... anyway, he’s cute and it’s really unfortunate that he has such a large chip on his shoulder.

Tonight was fun! I can’t say how glad I am to finally be able to spend time with dad’s side of the family. All of my life I’ve been blessed to be close to my aunts, uncles and cousins on my mom’s side, but I’ve definitely greeved the lack of contact with my dad’s side. After all, blood is blood, right? Well... I guess there is blood that refuses to act like family, but I’d rather not go there right now. Rachel, being the wonderful hostess that she is, took it upon herself to invite my cousins and uncles over for drinks and conversation. I totally saw my dad when my uncle Dave walked up to me... the similarities were uncanny. Same bone structure, same nose, same thin upper lip... I love it. It’s just great to me to see the Sheild side, and to be able to actually spend some time getting to know them. I can already tell that this is going to be a good time, and in a week I get to see my parents and two of my sisters... YAY. I could cry right now at the thought of seeing them... and most would think “what’s the big deal? It’s only been two months“... but my family is my foundation, and as the saying goes, absence makes the heart grow fonder. There’s nothing like being on the road to make any fragment of ‘home’ seem like an oasis of greatness, and that oasis for me is the people that I love more than life itself.
I’m exited to see my grandpa tomorrow, and I’m so glad to hear that he’s doing a lot better. I really hope that he can be an active part of the reunion... I know he hates being powerlessly stuck in the hospital... especially when all his children and grandchildren are together. I have faith that a miracle can happen :) Anyway, It’s bed time.

I made it to granite falls where I found a campground rather quickly. I wasn't looking for one, but rather a place I could stealth camp for free. After driving around and seeing no camp hosts or fee signs, I figured that I would just stay here. Let's just hope that I didn't miss something and end up with some angry park ranger on my case. After getting out of the van I was proptly welcomed by a swarm of Mosquitos that must have sensed the blood of a foreigner... I guess I needed a formal welcome to Minnesota :). Thank God the previous owner of franke left a can of OFF in the back compartment, cause these are persistant little bastards. Now trying to get me through my cloathes and on my face!

I am happy with today and am giving myself a much deserved pat on the back. It was my lengthiest day by far, totalling 12 hours 35 minutes and 540 miles at a cool 53-55 miles per hour. Sometimes I question my sanity level... Especially navigating through severe cross winds like much of today. I think my arms actually got a workout from fighting the steering wheel. Needless to say, I'm beat, but I am very happy to have a quick and easy 110 mile day tomorrow :). Oh, btw this won't be posted until tomorrow due to lack of service, but I needed to write it now due to bordom :). Off to bed.

I just realized that I've been driving for 12 hours straight, and pretty much running on mtn dew and bullshit right now... Time to find a place to camp.

Welcome to Minnesota :). Heck to the yes!

I am effing tired of driving! So exhausted already... And it's only 5:30. At least on the coast and in the mountains there was a great amount of stuff to look at. Different scenery gives me energy, and this is all starting to look the same. I did get a burst of energy driving down a county road that turned to dirt! That was fun :). I am currently in Sioux falls, SD, and am going to attempt another 100 miles. Ugh. At least I'm almost to the homestretch :)

Oh my dirty windshield... Time to find a gas station! On to day 2 of the great plains and I still feel half asleep...brrahaha. Baby cows are cute!