Trying

So I’m still trying to break through in a variety of ways. Primarily internal... the feeling of a bunch of sludge dammed up within is leaving me yearning for internal spiritual release. Something I read in Love Wins that keeps coming to mind, is the quote “Winter is the essential prequel to the Growth that spring brings”. I don’t have the book in front of me, so I’m sure the quote is a bit off, but it’s basically grounded in the fact that death is crucial to the process of growth. One must die in order to live. Death of the old in order that new things can spring forth. It’s very biblical... and I’ve acknowledged this truth for quite some time, but I’m not sure I’ve let it affect me the way that I’m supposed to. I’ve died many deaths thus far in my life... although most of them have been somewhat under my own control. I know that Christ is calling for death in me through this chapter in life, but it happens to be the most fearful and unnerving kind. The very core of how I’ve directed my life, my thought process, my sexuality, and the many other small things that those things govern is being called on the carpet. Not that it’s supposed to be an instant ‘bam!’ those things are dead and I can go on living from a different core... but more of an awareness of the need to remain in a constant process of dying. The process is in fact the dying needed itself. It’s a constant conscious release of control and submitting things to God’s will. Another big part of this is beginning the baby steps towards speaking life into myself and to actually own the fact that I’m addicted to speaking death into my own life. It’s such a hard thing to see, because I get some sick and twisted joy in breaking myself down. It’s what I’ve operated in for so long it feels like the only way to do life. The problem is, I’m starting to see that it’s what distances me from people and friendships that God has for me. It’s soaked in pride and comes in a cloak of self preservation. It speaks of independence and self sufficiency to the point of alienation. It owns the lies of worthlessness and weakness... and gives no value outside of performance. And it takes me getting to the point of feeling completely internally alone to realize the truth of the sickness.

SEE! This is the reason I write... If I had not sat down and started ‘word vomiting’, I would have either not come to these conclusions, or I would have disregarded them and blamed them on my ‘over-analytical’ brain. This brings up another ‘trying’ thing for me. I literally had to force myself to sit and write today. For some reason every mental, physical and emotional block continually comes up to prevent me from writing. I need to journal. I have a book that is crucial for me to produce, and yet it feels like mount Everest is standing before me and I need to get to the other side. I feel defeated before I even open my computer. There must be a good purpose behind me writing... cause I’m dealing with a lot of internal opposition.

Gerard, Chrissie and Jake left for Germany today. There is a boarding school that Jake is interested in that they are going to shadow for a couple of days. The girls went into Lisieux to run some errands, so with just Matt, Pixie and myself it’s even quieter than usual. Could be one of the reasons these words are being put into existence. I have been painting, which makes me very happy actually. There is quite a bit of dark brown trim that I’m painting white, and seeing the transformation makes me smile. Monday I will probably start working on the cottage in order to prepare it for Aaron and Holly’s arrival. The cottage is basically what used to be an old storage shed that sits between the main house and the Lacey. It needs to be painted on the inside, the door and attic need to be insulated, and a door closing off the attic needs to be constructed. I am kind of being looked to as the ‘handy-man’... which I don’t mind. I’m glad that I have experience in certain areas where I can be of help. The week after next is Aaron and Holly’s wedding, which I get to go up to England for, and to my delight get to stay a few days with Jon and Steph. I’m very excited about this. Although, I also found out that Bless is being gifted a car while we are up there, so they are actually going to need me to drive the other car from Stourbridge back to Bethanie by myself. Making the hour drive from Caen back to Bethanie won’t be that hard... I did that the other day, it’s just the thought of navigating on the wrong side of the road in England that scares me. Should be interesting.