The National is great reflective music. The kind that allows for connection between mind and emotion... which I greatly need right now. The last month has been mostly mind, with little room to actually feel what God is giving me through this. I need to feel... I long to connect with my emotions so that I can process this chapter in my life. I know that it will be a process, but I need to begin unravelling the layers.
I now have quiet. I now have the space to reflect. Summer missions are over, the troops have left, and it’s back to life as usual at Bethanie. The last two days have been crazy, busy, slow, good, and bad all at the same time. We got back here night before last after a two day 25 hour drive from Croatia. The final day was painful to say the least. I wasn’t able to sleep, was in a grumpy mood, was bloated, and just generally was sick of being around people. The 15 hours in the mini-bus went slow and towards the end I was fighting an increasing spiritual battle. Debrief day started out really good... praying and internally unloading everything that happened. There was a great amount of peace in me and I was able to express some things and hash through things with God. After lunch I sat in a corner with my thoughts while Hannah played piano. In a sudden flash peace turned into chaos. I heard a scream and then a yell... Chrissie ran in shouting “Gerard, quick! Emergency!” I walked outside where people were running all different directions. Over by the fire pit I spotted Matt and Chez kneeling next to Jon and holding his leg in the air. “It went through his foot” Jonah said as I walked up to him. “So much blood.” It was then that I realized what had happened. The axe the Aaron had bought for Jon for his birthday was being used to chop firewood for that evening. In a swift and inexperienced swing, Jon had planted it squarely in the top of his foot. As Chez wrapped the gauze tightly around his ankle, the blood pumped through his sock with rhythm of his heartbeat.
Needless to say, that unfortunate mishap changed everything about debrief day. It caused me to have to sit down and chat with God about judgements I had made against Jon, and again I was staring my pride straight in the face. It’s still amazing to me how pride and self righteousness can be cloaked in such a beautiful disguise, and yet when uncovered, stink so bad. Now that the dust is settling, again I’m staring into the great abyss between chapters in life. So many question marks... and so many things to reflect upon. I don’t even know where to begin, but I do know that God knows... and now I get to trust his timing in revealing things to me about why the last three months happened. I know there’s a purpose behind this chapter... but He hasn’t allowed me to process much... just experience it. Almost like he’s turned that aspect of my being off, and enhanced another. Now I get to start the trickle down process. Let the next chapter begin.
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